Where are we now?

Okay so I have been through a LOT since I started year 9 in September. I have had a few mini fall outs with friends, had friends be suspended, made new ones. The biggest one however was what happened in December.

It is way to hard for me to even go there in my head to describe what happened and I cringe away from the thought each time my memory brings me back. All I can say is that it ended up from 80+ people talking to me to about 20 who were actually nice and stuck by me.

It was the worst month of my life yet I was all to blame. I remember I had to go to the San one lunch break the day after it all erupted because I was on my own in ICT and 4 girls from my group came in and didnt say anything. I knew I was about to break down into tears so I went to the San, told them I had just thrown up so I would get to stay up there. I spent from 1:10pm to home time at 4pm, non stop hysterically crying. I relied on about 5 girls from my usual 80+.


It was then that I lost my best friend. My sister that G-d didn't give me as our parents couldn't control us together, my second family. Entirely my fault yet I couldn't get my head around why that would happen

But another friend had had a bad fallout so we stuck together. When we came back from Christmas, I was with my group back to normal but me and this one girl were sticking together like best friends which is what we were.

Then that girl went and made up with the one she fell out from and once again I was left alone. It happened again and this time I felt no she won't do that to me. She did.

On form spring I got asked, " who's your best friend these days, it seems to change a lot". I guess its not just me who notices it

All I want to know is where are we now in our friendship. I don't want to ask because I'm afraid of the answer. As the feeling of rejections happens again.