My Big Black Cloud

When I was younger in reception, at the end of each week we used to all find a comfy spot on the carpet, close our eyes and the teacher would start the Cloud story. My teacher would say " think of your worry. Imagine it right in front of you. Now I want you to shout BOO at your worry. Scare your cloud so it starts to float away back to the moon where it won't happen anymore. Open your eyes now, your Big Black Cloud has disappeared". Just like that, our worries would go away. If you had a fight with your best friend, at the end of the cloud story you would be back to normal. That story solved everything.


I'm in Year 9 now with my very own Big Black Cloud hanging right over my head from the moment I wake up till the moment my eyes close and I'm in peace. I can't get rid of it by my teacher telling us all the Cloud story, I wish I could but I have learnt that things are never that simple.

My problem is formspring. I had it. My mum told me to get rid of it so I disabled it. I got it back as I love attention and this was one way of me receiving maybe unwanted attention but still attention. I have the same password for almost all sites such as blogger,msn, twitter,school email & account and then formspring. In my early days of formspring I got hacked quite badly and that person wrote on my friends formspring very weird and eccentric things which my friends obviously knew wasn't me. Stupidly enough, I never changed my password. A few days ago I received a lot of hate from what I can guess the same person. The person went on to say " I'll tell you everything I hate about your group if you want" they then proceeded to write what they disliked but I told my friends and we all took it as a joke. My friend Mide received some saying "watch out for the decem bitches" ( we used to call ourselves decem) and also " shaking in my boots, decem bitches on the loose".


Again it was taken as a joke and an inbox on Facebook was created by my friend so everyone in our group could know and we all found it hilarious so we made status' about it on Facebook. On Sunday night, it came up on Mides formspring that I had supposedly answered a question that I had sent myself. Mide being Mide told her best friend Sam as it involved both of them and that escalated into my group knowing and then almost the whole year. Once again Ladies and Gentlemen, A Lauren Senior Scandal. My so called friends think that I am such a looser that I write questions to myself on my formspring and I wrote that hate comment about what I hated in my group. It is all complete lies and I can't begin to understand where the person who was my ex-best friend, one of my best friends and maybe 1 or 2 others can believe that.


The "it" group is close with my group and they have found out and I am just generally scared and sick with fear and worry about what to do I haven't eaten properly and have been almost crying all the time when I'm on my own and have time to recap what is happening. My true friends know the truth and can believe me but it is just so shocking that the person I used to share everything with now believes this. I have made an appointment to see my school counsellor on Tuesday because she wasn't in this Tuesday, such bad luck. I know once again who my true friends in my group are, suprisingly enough the same people bar 4 others who are on my side and 2 others who I'm not too sure about.


I just want to run away from this whole big mess, maybe go to another school or another country but I know I can't do that, I have to face the problem up front no matter how much it kills me. I can wait another week no matter how slow and painful it will be. For now I leave you with well wishes while me and my Big Black Cloud go and tackle my history homeork. By the way, I got 82% in my history exam.. a good thing about today!

Wish

I wish you could see me now after 10 years

I wish you could see that I have never needed you nor am I going to need you

I wish you could see how we are so similar but so unlike

I wish you could have been there when I won sports day

I wish you could have watched me grow over the years

I wish you weren't there in Spain

I wish you could see how much I try to forget about you

I wish you could tell how much I despise you and everything you stand for

I wish you could know that a part of me won't let go